A letter to cover letters

Dear Cover Letters,

I have a great deal of experience applying for jobs. I have applied for dozens of jobs throughout my life, including three today. I have no problem with the idea job applications. I enjoy formatting my resume, reading about the exciting opportunities to which I may soon have access, and even sorting through endless lists of jobs. Finding references and creating a writing sample may not be the most glamorous activities, but I accept them as relevant and necessary. Employers understandably want to know that I am not some hooligan frivolously applying for a position and that I know how to adequately construct a sentence. These requirements must weed out some applicants.

What I do not appreciate or understand is an employer's demand for a cover letter. Each letter be tailored to the particular job for which I am applying, emphasizing the skills enumerated in the job description or describing my relevant job experience. Honestly, I have little to no relevant job experience, most likely. But I am not unique in this regard. Most people do not. That is why they do not have that position yet. If they had the exact qualifications the employer was looking for, then chances are that they would not be currently applying for that job.

Additionally, it is absolutely impossible to write a cover letter well. Good writing and cover letters do not mix ever. Cover letters are dedicated to being self-important, which automatically starts them out at a disadvantage. They use active verbs, which end up sounding too strong and sometimes to stretching the truth or outright lying. And just about every sentence starts with "I am" or "I did," which ends up reading like a forth grader's homework assignment about what they did over the weekend. What purpose cover letters serve is somewhat beyond me. I am clearly interested in this job, that is why I am applying. I am providing a writing sample, reference list, and resume, which will give you about as much information as you could want when deciding to hire me or not. Plus, employers will likely glance at my cover letter for a grand total of twelve seconds after I spent thirty-five minutes agonizing over verb tense. This is a waste of my time. No one will ever know if my verb tense is completely consistent because no one will ever read my cover letter that thoroughly. As long as it does not throw up any red flags, what is the point of painstaking precision? I have no good answer. The only conclusion is that the concept of cover letters should be abolished.

Sincerely,

Me