Where's the beef?

At Nationals Stadium if you want to eat a hot dog you have two options. Option 1: The Nats Dog. Option 2: 100% Beef Hot dog. Option 1 sounded a lot better before you heard about option 2, right? Because if the alternative is a 100% beef hot dog, you are left asking what exactly is in the Nats Dog if it is not all beef. Is there beef at all? You might think that the Nats dog is some kind of hot dog with specialty condiments, perhaps a chili dog. But you'd be wrong. It's not that. That's why the Nats Dog costs $1 less than a 100% beef hot dog. Not that I know what a Nats Dog is, I'm just assuming it's not something better for less money. Last time I checked that's not how it works. I think it's a great scheme to make you spend the extra dollar. If I'm the marketing guy I'd probably just package the same hot dog differently and charge a dollar extra for one. Not being guaranteed 100% beef in your food is a real incentive not to eat it.

What I've learned in law school after 3 days: you can pretty much sue anyone for anything. I love America. But I'm afraid I'll get sued for saying that.

So the opposite of fair is unfair. We can all agree on that. So if you negate the opposite, you should just get the original. That's how logic works. But it doesn't actually. "Not unfair" does not equal "fair." That's fucked up. The complaint, I think, is just the philosophy major coming out in me. If you eat my apple that I was going to have for lunch, I might punch you in the arm. That was my goddamn lunch man, why the hell would you do that? Plus I paid for that. Bring your own lunch next time. So it's not unfair that I hit you. You deserved a punishment. But it's not fair that I hit you either; you just ate my apple, I didn't need to leave you a bruise. And you will bruise. I punch pretty hard. Check out these guns. So my action is either both fair and unfair, or somewhere in the nether world in between. I don't care who you are, that's weird.

The fact that I was a philosophy major actually helped me today. I think it might be the last time ever. My Criminal Law professor is discussing the justifications for punishment. He says, "We have lots of political science majors here, but not many philosophy majors," and then calls on me because I was one of the few, the proud, the philosophers. He asked me what Thomas Hobbes says life looks like outside the social contract. Anyone who has read Hobbes, heard about Hobbes, knows anything about Hobbes, etc. knows the answer is "nasty, brutish, and short." It's philosophy 101. Not to mention that Leviathan, the book it comes from, was a core text of my senior thesis. So I'm thinking "Money!!!" and I answer. The professor tells me I am correct and moves on. So some of my classmates think I'm a goddamn genius, when really all I did was tell them something equivalent to the fact that Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin. Bam, I'm awesome. Okay, maybe I know that it wasn't a difficult question at all, but I'm still awesome, so I'm going to let people go on and think that for a while.

I am not awesome enough, however, to work out at 6am. That's an ungodly hour which should never be seen. And I will stick to that idea no matter how much my friend, a six-year veteran of the Army, encourages me to work out with him at that time. 6am was my first complaint. My second is working out with someone from the Army. When did that seem like a good idea? Never. Oh, right. So working out at 6am with a retired Army captain won't be happening this, or any other, year. Sounds good.


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